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Sexual consent – without it being a buzzkill

Spontaneous sexual consent can be a grey area. Knowing whether someone is keen to do certain things without prior discussion can be hard. In a new encounter, you really shouldn’t try guessing where the boundaries are. But even in an established relationship, it can be tough.

Sex can be spontaneous and consensual, but it requires good communication and respect between a couple. Regardless of whether you’re just hooking up or in a committed relationship, consent always matters.

This is especially true for alternative sexual activities like BDSM, rougher sex, breath play and anal sex. You can’t guess whether somebody agrees to a given activity. Chances are you’ve probably heard of the cup of tea analogy.

If you’re not familiar with the ‘cup of tea’ sexual consent lesson released by Thames Valley Police in 2015, let me fill you in. It compares sex to a cup of tea. In so much as it imagines a dialogue between two people.

  • A: Would you like a cup of tea?
  • B: Yes, I would love tea!

A and B both want a cup of tea so sex is on the table.

  • A: Would you like a cup of tea?
  • B: Mm, maybe. I’ll have a sip.

A wants tea, B isn’t sure. There’s consent for some sexual intimacy but not for actual sex.

  • A: Would you like a cup of tea?
  • B: No, I’m alright thanks.

A wants tea, B doesn’t. There is no sexual consent here.

You get the point. You might be making out with a girl who is happy to make out but doesn’t want to have sex. Or you could be having vaginal sex with someone who does like anal sex, but that doesn’t mean she wants to have anal with you.

Just because somebody has given sexual consent to a certain activity once before doesn’t mean you have the right to expect to do it again.

When it comes to having spontaneous sex that is consensual, body language is key. Your girl’s body language and reactions will give you a big indication of what she’s enjoying. If you start making out and a girl responds positively, she’ll be kissing you back and likely holding your body.

On the other hand, if you kissed or touched someone who then didn’t respond mutually or stiffened up – they are not into it. When somebody is nervous, they might be a little slower to react in showing the same attention to you. But there’s a major difference between nervous consent and not giving consent at all.

If you have any doubt as to whether your partner is enjoying herself, you can ask. A lot of guys might say that this interrupts the moment or ruins the passion. It doesn’t. Being respectful and showing you care about her enjoyment and consent will earn you mega brownie points.

Every woman wants to be respected sexually, to feel that the guy she’s with respects her choice and body. Being submissive doesn’t mean that the dominant partner gets to control everything without consideration. Showing mutual trust, respect and making sure everyone is consenting is always better.

You can have spontaneous sex and keep it consensual. Consent always matters. Especially in a time where #MeToo is something everybody knows about. Any sexual contact without consent is assault. It doesn’t matter if they’re a sex worker, your girlfriend or your wife.

Yes means Yes. No means No. If you have any doubt, pause and check that everything is OK – you can always reclaim passion. You can’t undo the damage.

Discussing limits

When it comes to sex, discussing your own and your partner’s limits is important. Especially if you’re engaging in alternative sexual kinks and practices. But you have to remember that even if you’ve done something once and she enjoyed it, that doesn’t mean it’s going to be OK every time.

With some aspects of BDSM, you need to be especially careful around spontaneous sex. In the heat of the moment, having spontaneous sex can be consensual and totally hot. Understanding your partner’s safe limits beforehand will help maintain this.

For instance, if you’ve never discussed impact play and then bring out a riding crop randomly, your girlfriend might be a bit shocked. Thrills in the bedroom are awesome when done right, so knowing what both of you enjoy will really help.

Anal sex

This deserves a section all of its’ own because I am so fed up with girls telling me about guys surprising them, just sticking it up their butts hoping it’s cool. Because it isn’t. At all. Recently one friend had to go to the hospital because of some surprise anal sex.

Anal is a sexual activity that can be very pleasurable. Some people love it; whether it’s just anal play or full anal sex, it can be fun. But equally, some people really don’t like it. Often thinking that it’s dirty or will be too painful or it just doesn’t really appeal to them for some other reason.

When you’re with a partner with who you haven’t tried anal stuff before, you need to talk. Have a conversation with her about anal play/sex and establish if it’s something she’d like to try and if she’s done it before. If she’s had anal fun before, awesome, but it’s still the first time with you, so you should proceed gently.

On the other hand, if she’s an anal virgin or maybe has done some play but not penetrative sex, it’s new territory. When you have any sexual contact for the first time with someone new or try a new kink, you need to be careful. Having her sexual consent for vaginal sex doesn’t mean that she gives sexual consent for anal sex. So establishing that she does want to do it is essential.

Anal can feel amazing when done right, but it can also go really wrong. From it just being a bit uncomfortable and awkward to internal tears and bleeding or even poop on your dick. Anal is considered taboo for a reason, so show it respect.

Anal isn’t an activity to try spontaneously. But if you and your partner already enjoy it together, a gentle finger on her backdoor will let her know you’re keen. She’ll react positively if she is up for anal, and you should still be gentle as you do it. But for the love of anal, don’t try putting it in quickly and unexpectedly. It damn hurts. Don’t be a pain in the ass. Sexual consent is critical.

Lube is essential for enjoyable and safe anal sex, be slow and gentle when you enter so it doesn’t hurt. Keep topping up lube throughout and enjoy it. Anal doesn’t have to be dangerous, just be sensible and a considerate lover.

Also – anal takes some prep. So if you do try spontaneous anal without giving your girl the chance to get ready, don’t be surprised if it isn’t exactly pornstar style. Enough said!

Sexual consent is a phrase that some people think is a turn-off. It isn’t. After speaking with hundreds of women who have enjoyed a wide range of sexual activities, they all say having the sexual consent of both partners makes everything more enjoyable. Knowing that the guy they’re with respects them, their choice and their body is hot.

Most girls probably won’t go to bed with someone if they don’t feel respected. Neither should you or anyone, really. Respect and trust are critical for any relationship. To make a sexual encounter pleasurable, you need to know both of you enjoy it.

Asking for sexual consent doesn’t have to be a buzz kill either. There’s no need to feel awkward about asking. If you think you might move on towards another sexual activity, you can ask, “Does that feel good? Would you like me to touch X?”

Reading that shouldn’t seem cringe-inducing. There are sexy ways to ask for sexual consent, asking if something feels good, if she likes it and would she like to try it; all help establish what’s going on. If something isn’t feeling totally awesome, she can guide you towards what will feel better. And if she’s uncomfortable, she can also say so.

The key thing to take away from this is that sexual consent should be in every intimate encounter you have. You don’t want to be that guy thinking, “Damn, I shouldn’t have done that. I’m not sure if she’s enjoying this? Was I too rough?”

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